go do what you do best...puke behind churches
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
