I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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