I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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