reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
