I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
