he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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