I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
