alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
