Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
