when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
