Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
