Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
