Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize