I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
