She said her name was "party"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize