we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
