A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
not ubering you a puppy
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
