Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
