Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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