apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
