dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize