I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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