it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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