I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
