Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
