we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
