We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
