Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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