can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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