Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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