Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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