Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
