I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
