he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
