the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
