STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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