I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
