through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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