he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
