I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
