I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
