I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
