I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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