I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
