my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
