Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
