you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
