Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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