I just threw up on my dentist
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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