What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
