either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
