I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
