Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
