Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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