I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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