Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
