My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
