There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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