A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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