I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
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