I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
