Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
