goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
