Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
