happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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