Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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