I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
