The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize